I know I’ve been complaining a lot in the past few months. I have a lot to be thankful for. This was the year I finally found a doctor who could pinpoint what was wrong with me. My fiancé and I finally set a date. My family is finally starting to accept him as a part of my life.
Despite all that wonderful news that happened this year has absolutely sucked.
My sister-in-law became diagnosed with more health problems than we ever foresaw and is having complications from the treatment(s). Both matriarchs in my family died, devastating my existence. My fiancé’s grandparent’s had to face being placed in assisted living with his grandmother deteriorating even more every day. One of his aunts is having major health problems that have not been eradicated because of other complications with the same illness. Our friends have had to deal with sudden deaths and complications and many other problems that I can’t help but feel stressed for them.
On top of it all it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.
In the past I’ve put up a tree just after my birthday in anticipation of the season. I’ve wrapped presents with glee awaiting the joy that gift will bring to someone’s face in that moment and the enjoyment it will bring throughout their lives. I’ve sung along with Christmas carols while baking goodies.
This year the only tree I have, so far, is a humble Charlie Brown tree I got for my birthday that is sitting on a makeshift table in the basement where I live. I haven’t heard any Christmas songs other than the ones within South Park specials on Netflix. I haven’t made anything in terms of traditional treats of the season. The fairy lights up around town don’t spark my wonderment and exhilaration. I keep expecting it to come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. I want it to. I want to feel wonderful and gleeful and thankful for everything I have (it’s not that I don’t it just hasn’t come as a natural response to the season).
Is it because I know my family won’t be gathering in response to Grandma’s cooking? Is it because there seems to be a culmination of stressful things that have preoccupied my mind? Is it from the fact that I’ve been thinking of all the chores that comes from putting a wedding together? Is it because I’ve turned into a complete and utter adult from my experiences this year? Have I lost my belief in magic?
Harry Potter has always been some part of my Christmas season since the late 1990s. There’s no book eight to look forward to, there’s no more movies waiting to be released. Is this depression the result of my lack of having a new adventure to follow from Harry, Ron, and Hermione? I’ll even take an adventure from their children entering Hogwarts.
Whether it be from the stress or lack of feeling a part of an all-around respectful, loving family or not having my best friend in the form of a book I just don’t feel in the holiday spirit. There’s still snow on the ground and even combined with lights almost everywhere and the decorations that are at my fiancé’s work Christmas just doesn’t seem to even exist for me this year.
No comments:
Post a Comment