Merry Upcoming New Year!

As seen in my previous who-knows-how-many-posts, I haven’t had the best year in the world, but, here’s to a better 2012.

 I’m getting married. I get to see numerous people I haven’t in years. I might even get to go on a Vacation. O.O My resolution this year is to simply try harder. This encompasses almost every aspect of my life. I’m going to try harder to be a better person, a better partner to my fiancé, try to not complain as much, have a better health perspective, to have a better attitude in general. I also want to be a better blogger for anyone who has, is and will read my posts.

I know that not everything is going to work out for me. That’s what failing is for. I just need to grow from it. I want feedback in all I do, that’s the only way I know what I’m doing wrong and right.

I have an idea swimming around in my head of starting up a YouTube channel. If/when that happens I’ll let you know. I just feel really intimidated putting more of me out there but I started writing this blog, so, why not try? As Maureen Johnson said on the Vlogbrothers channel one time, “You have to dare to suck.” (Best advice in the world!)

In order to become a better anything you have to try and in trying comes failure some, if not most, of the time. Without failure there is no learning. I enjoy putting things together simply because I’m allowed to screw up, undo it, and put it together the right way or in a better way.

Back when I first moved to Colorado I started to write my book again. It was my second attempt to streamline my conscious effort to put it on the computer. I believe I was on the fifth or sixth chapter when the most horrific thing that could ever happen to an author happened. Up popped a message, randomly after a stroke of a couple keys, asking if I would like to save my progress. I said, “Yes, of course I want to save my progress, this is one of the most important things to me. Why wouldn’t I want to save?” Little did I know I was saving a completely blank document.

Lacking in technical expertise (still am but not as much) I closed the page and tried to reload my work. It was completely gone. Not to be recovered ever again. It was gone to the pit of despair. Wherever I banished it, it was gone forever. I cried. Seriously I walked into my bedroom fell face down on my comforter and wept until I called my now fiancé.

Now I see that without that failure, however stupid it was, I would never have learned a few wonderful lessons. One, that I need to make sure of what I’m doing before I close anything I’m working on. Two, that version of my book absolutely sucked. If I had continued typing it without that loss I would never have wanted to change it because I had worked so hard on it.

John Green wrote Looking for Alaska and then proceeded to delete the great majority of it in order to make it better. Writing is a process. It requires a great amount of commitment and concentration. And for those of you who have made it this far, thank you. Thank you for reading my processes.

“Books don’t automatically update.” ~John Green.

Happy New Year! And DFTBA!

Where is Christmas?

I know I’ve been complaining a lot in the past few months. I have a lot to be thankful for. This was the year I finally found a doctor who could pinpoint what was wrong with me. My fiancé and I finally set a date. My family is finally starting to accept him as a part of my life.

Despite all that wonderful news that happened this year has absolutely sucked.

My sister-in-law became diagnosed with more health problems than we ever foresaw and is having complications from the treatment(s). Both matriarchs in my family died, devastating my existence. My fiancé’s grandparent’s had to face being placed in assisted living with his grandmother deteriorating even more every day. One of his aunts is having major health problems that have not been eradicated because of other complications with the same illness. Our friends have had to deal with sudden deaths and complications and many other problems that I can’t help but feel stressed for them.

On top of it all it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

In the past I’ve put up a tree just after my birthday in anticipation of the season. I’ve wrapped presents with glee awaiting the joy that gift will bring to someone’s face in that moment and the enjoyment it will bring throughout their lives. I’ve sung along with Christmas carols while baking goodies.

This year the only tree I have, so far, is a humble Charlie Brown tree I got for my birthday that is sitting on a makeshift table in the basement where I live. I haven’t heard any Christmas songs other than the ones within South Park specials on Netflix. I haven’t made anything in terms of traditional treats of the season. The fairy lights up around town don’t spark my wonderment and exhilaration. I keep expecting it to come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. I want it to. I want to feel wonderful and gleeful and thankful for everything I have (it’s not that I don’t it just hasn’t come as a natural response to the season).

Is it because I know my family won’t be gathering in response to Grandma’s cooking? Is it because there seems to be a culmination of stressful things that have preoccupied my mind? Is it from the fact that I’ve been thinking of all the chores that comes from putting a wedding together? Is it because I’ve turned into a complete and utter adult from my experiences this year? Have I lost my belief in magic?

Harry Potter has always been some part of my Christmas season since the late 1990s. There’s no book eight to look forward to, there’s no more movies waiting to be released. Is this depression the result of my lack of having a new adventure to follow from Harry, Ron, and Hermione? I’ll even take an adventure from their children entering Hogwarts.

Whether it be from the stress or lack of feeling a part of an all-around respectful, loving family or not having my best friend in the form of a book I just don’t feel in the holiday spirit. There’s still snow on the ground and even combined with lights almost everywhere and the decorations that are at my fiancé’s work Christmas just doesn’t seem to even exist for me this year.

My obsession with words and meanings

Okay, Okay, I know it’s been a while.

I was writing the second installment of my book when I decided to use the word ‘befuddled.’ It was a genuinely perfect word for the situation that arose but I then stared at it in all its glory and thought to myself, “What would happen if ‘befuddle’ had some archaic meaning that I don’t know?”

As in all situations like this I strolled on over to my one stop shop for words: dictionary.reference.com (not paid to type that, I just REALLY like their site). I typed in ‘befuddle’ and got a nice definition. It means either to confuse or make drunk. Then I thought, “what about fuddle? Is that even a word?

IT IS!

I’m such a dork.

It means the exact same thing! I thought it was such an underappreciated term that I changed my befuddle into fuddle, just to be quirky. I wonder what my-nonexistent-at-this-time publisher will think of that when s/he comes across that.

Tootles!

That’s also an odd word. I wonder…

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tootles